Monday's Memory and MORE 8

Matthew’s Birth Day

The day of Matthew’s birth was here. It’s supposed to be one of the most exciting days in your lifetime. This just wasn’t. I think we drove to the hospital in silence. I had Mike’s mom there to take care of Joshua, whom I had never left before and my mom, sister Jeni, and brother Joey at the hospital with me for moral support and priesthood just in case.

I had Matthew at a hospital that is connected to Children’s Hospital by an underground tunnel. My first two babies were in a breech position and so I had to have c-sections. I feel this was a blessing for them so the birth wouldn’t be too stressful on them and they were scheduled so medical help was available and ready. They prepped me for surgery and took me in the operating room. People were hustling and bustling around me getting everything ready. There was a NICU team off to the side with an incubator and other supplies they were setting up.

Besides him not living, my next biggest fear about Matthew’s birth was that I was not going to be able to see him. I asked everyone about the birth; my doctor, the nurse, the anesthesiologist, the staff when I took the tour of the hospital, everyone; whether I would be able to see him… just real quick… before they rushed him away. They assured me I would get a quick peek of my baby.

They began the surgery. I could feel a LOT! It was VERY uncomfortable but I was very focused on my baby…just waiting to hear a cry. The atmosphere was tense…everyone was very quiet. Finally I hear my doctor say “here he comes”. And then she said, “What are you doing baby? He’s pooping everywhere!” And then she hands the baby to the NICU team and began to fix me up. THEY DIDN’T SHOW HIM TO ME! I could hear him cry which was a little comforting. But I didn’t get to see him. It was such a disappointment!

It seemed like forever I lay there with my eyes glued on a member of the NICU team’s butt! That’s all I could see. Just hoping and praying that she would move just a little bit so I could get a glimpse of my baby. They were busy doing something to him and had quieted him so I didn’t even know if he was still ok. Nobody was saying a word. I didn’t want to ask because I knew it was more important to let them take care of him. They wouldn’t let Mike over there either…they said they had a sterile area set up and he wasn’t allowed past a certain point until they were done doing whatever it was they were doing. I know eventually they got some IV lines set up in the umbilical cord to start meds immediately. Finally, someone said, the baby is doing ok. That was it! They finished with me before they finished with Matthew so they wheeled me out to recovery.

It was all I could do to stay together and not scream that whole time. I wanted to burst. There was WAY too much emotion in me. My family could see it when I came out. They were right outside the doors and my sister Jeni looked at me and said “Are you ok?” I could feel it in my face…I needed to explode BUT…I held it together. I knew if I said anything, I would loose it so I don’t think I even answered her.

Finally, the team got him stable enough to move him through the tunnel to the NICU at Children’s. They had to pass my room so I got to see my baby, sort of. I had just been sliced open and so could not sit up to see in the incubator-it was much taller than my bed, but I was able to reach through the little circle of the incubator and touch his hand. Then they left.

This is how I saw my baby for the first time.

After my hour of recovery was up the nurse said she was going to take me down to see Matthew. She didn’t want to give me any morphine so I would be awake and alert to actually see him. It’s so embarrassing to be wheeled in a bed down through that long tunnel and then through Children’s hospital with people everywhere but I did want to see my baby. By the time we got to him though I was in so much pain. I really needed that morphine and didn’t care about the baby anymore. I saw he was alive and happily sucking on a pacifier, content in his bed. His nurse was trying to tell me all about what they would be doing with him in the next week but I couldn’t hear her. I needed drugs. I asked to go back to my room. By then I thought I was going to die. It took 4 doses of stuff – I don’t even know what they were giving me - to take the edge off the pain and then I crashed. I slept for 6 hours straight. When I woke up I felt great and was ready to get on with whatever was going to come.

Our Cardiologist in the blue shirt. Matthew's nurse on the right.



They have a cool set up in the hospital. There is a camera at each infant’s bedside in the NICU so that the Moms can see their baby whenever they want to from their room. You just call down to their nurse and they will turn it on for like an hour at a time if they are not doing rounds with the Doc’s or procedures on the babies. That was nice because it is a little bit of a trek through the tunnel.

Our first family photo

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life came the day I was discharged and my baby was not. It was SO hard to leave him behind. That really stunk!!! The worst was when I got home and Joshua, who I had never been away from before this hospital stay, woke up from his nap, saw me and started crying uncontrollably. He wanted NOTHING to do with me for a good hour. Mike took him outside to calm him down and I sat on the couch all alone and cried. I couldn’t help either one of my babies. That was the worst feeling.

At the time of my discharge, Matthew had been having a lot of apnea spells because of the meds they were needing to use, prostaglandin, to keep the hole open in his heart so they had needed to intubate him and he was pretty sedated so we couldn’t hold him. The plan was to do his first surgery at 1 week of age. This would allow time for the pulmonary vascular resistance to fall. Why that needed to happen…I can’t say, but that’s why they waited the week. They kept him going on IV fluids only.


My discharge day...saying goodbye to my baby.

My focus had to be getting myself healed quickly. I visited once a day for just a short time. The walk from the parking garage to his bed was longer than my stay. All of you who have had surgery know what I’m talking about. Slow and steady. Everyone would offer me a wheelchair but I wanted to keep moving to help the healing along so I walked.

I wrote the above last night and was going to end there. That day was not fun in the least. It was very, very, very hard and I never want to do it again but Mike said I had to end with something profound and spiritual like I usually try to do. I had no idea what to end with until now.

Today I am not having a good day. I came from a meeting at the school this morning where they spent an hour telling me all of the “problems” they see with Matthew and then told me that they are not going to do a single thing to help him. I am so frustrated and feel so helpless right now. I don’t know how to help Matthew. Why does a child have to COMPLETELY fail before someone will step in and do something? I am grateful to be a mother though. Heavenly Father, with his crazy sense of humor, saw fit to give me these children…I of course, have learned a lot! One day during the pregnancy when I was murmuring and having a particularly rough day, worrying about what was to come and letting fear take hold…I got the very clear impression that I had promised Matthew that I would bring him here and I would help him through this. I am going to keep my promise. I’m not the best mother…I have a lot I need to fix and change but I do the best I can and hope that one day Matthew can see that. I don’t know what we are going to do to get through this yet but I will find a way with help from above…of course!